Try at home
hover for instruction
Take some time to actually write in this model. Think of a situation in your life right now that is stressful for you. I will include a blank Intentional Model for you to make copies of, if it helps. Though, any piece of paper will do -- just draw a vertical line down the middle of the page and write CTFAR down each side.
F - stands for Feeling
Fill out the Unintentional (left) side first (leave the right side blank for now). You will usually catch the emotions first. You don’t need to fill out your sheet from top to bottom.
We want the feeling line to just include “happy”,”sad”, “mad,” “anxious,” “fabulous,” “wonderful,” “loving,” “caring,” “used,” “worthless,” “abandoned.” Whatever it is that you are feeling based on what you’re thinking, try to keep that to one word. The thought should just be a sentence, the circumstance is just the facts, and the feeling line should just be a one-word feeling that’s describing how you’re feeling in this moment because of the thought you’re having.
T - stands for Thought
Then ask yourself , “What thoughts am I thinking that are causing me to feel this way?”
We want to think about thoughts as sentences in our minds. If they have any subjective terms, any adjectives, any descriptive words, we know that they’re thoughts and not facts. Facts go in the circumstance line. Thoughts go in the thought line.
C - stands for Circumstance
From there try and weed out the actual event or fact -- that goes in the C Line.
The things that happen in the world that we can’t control. One of the things that goes under the circumstance category is our past. Your circumstance has no control over you until you have a thought about it. Circumstances include; our past, things we’ve done or said, other people’s behavior, what’s going on in the world, any other facts of our lives.
A - stands for Action
Then notice what your actions could be, and how you will take the actions you do.
All of your feelings will drive certain actions. I really want you to think about; what you might do when you’re feeling caring, versus what you might do when you’re feeling angry. Those actions are going to be very different based on what you are feeling.
R - stands for Result
Staying on the left side, if you take the actions your natural thoughts lead you to, what would result?
Your actions will always determine your results. What you do is going to create a certain result.
Now Imagine The Best Outcome
Once you have filled out the unintentional side, you can work on the intentional side.
Consider the C-Line again. Remind yourself that the circumstance is what it is. You cannot change it. So, how do you want to feel about it? Contemplate your best self and how your best self would feel about the circumstance. Normally, just considering this will prompt a new perspective. The feelings are nearly always versions of the following: confident, compassionate, honest -- both accurate and without deception, grateful, connected, and calm.
An Example
Several weeks ago, my husband and I needed to water a piece of property. We were a little crunched for time, so while we were driving we made the plan for me to water certain trees and for David to water the harder ones. Just as we got there, I got a call from our daughter. I figured I could water the trees and talk with her at the same time. Sure enough, my daughter needed directions and GPS wasn’t working for her. I was trying to give her directions and unscrew the hose at the same time, but the hose wasn’t cooperating. (I must say David has a tendency to screw hoses way tighter than they need to be.) Right then, I hear David shouting my name from across the property.
Holding the phone with my ear, I lift the hose up and yell, “I can’t get the hose undone.”
He shouts back, “Get off the phone!”
I shout back an explanation which, knowing his inability to hear and my inability to yell very loud, I’m sure wasn’t heard. He did understand about the hose issue and irritatedly came over to unscrew it.
“Hang up the phone. We need to get this-”
I didn’t bother letting him finish because I knew he’d be happy to have me help our oldest, if she needed it. So I began, “It’s Charity. She’s looking for-”
“You’re interrupting me. You said you would do this watering right now and you’re-”
“Who’s interrupting who? I’m trying to give Charity directions to the cabin.”
He gave me a look. I gave him a look. And we both proceeded to finish watering. I began thinking:
He shouldn’t tell me what to do. He didn’t take the time to even try to find out who I was talking to. He thinks he can boss me around. He immediately assumed the worst of me. He always jumps to conclusions and wants me to be wrong. He’s so critical. He’s always critical about everything, and he thinks I’m supposed to do whatever he says. The real problem is that he is critical of me. He never sees the good things I do. It’s a wonder I have any sense of self worth at all. No one really understands how hard my life is. I think I have it worse than almost anyone.
Did you notice?
First off, let’s ask, based on Session One, do you see a slippery slope? Any horribilizing? Any self-martyring? Any stressful emotions? I went from a moment of mutual impatience to a life of woe and failure in a short time. So, let’s put it in a model.
Suddenly, he's human again!
As I look at the intentional side of my model, when I really ask myself how I want to be, I see more clearly. I can visualize him -- we had made a plan and we were in a hurry. He looked over to see me not only on the phone, but standing there not watering. I put myself in his place and realized I would not have been any less “sharp” than he was. This new understanding filled my heart with compassion for his frustration. I thought of how grateful I am for David. His diligence and careful consideration of me. He took the harder watering job. He does that so automatically I forget to notice. He has spent hours on this piece of property making it the pleasant place that it is. I just love that man!
Heart Management
Most of us don’t take the time to think about what we want to think about. We just let our brain pick something by default. Whatever we choose to think in that moment, whether it’s consciously or unconsciously, will create how we feel in that moment. How we feel in that moment will determine what we do.
We think our thoughts are who we are. If you are your thoughts, who is listening to them? We were designed with an inner voice of wisdom to listen and question those thoughts. Understanding that we are not just our thoughts, and recognizing the difference between our mind and our spirit can be a powerful step towards beginning heart management.
